This week’s Onion…

…reports back from the future. The Horoscopes section is clearly directed at certain science fiction authors:

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You will be thrilled to encounter a science so highly advanced that it is indistinguishable from magic—a science primarily concerned with generating rabbits using common headgear, producing endless amounts of colored handkerchiefs, and sawing women in hal

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Your attempt to build a peaceful, agrarian matriarchy in the former northern-Californian archipelago fails miserably when the thousands of cat-fights breaking out amongst the basket-weaving lodgers are traced back to overexposure to winsome folk music.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You realize that your world is rapidly approaching perfection, ruled as it is by the benevolent power of supermen-scientist atom-masters. Nevertheless, sometimes you can’t help but feel that humanity has lost something of its near-divine spark.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You’ve never encountered a problem that can’t be solved by the combined mental and spiritual resources of the enlightened people of the galaxy or by swinging from the doorframe and kicking people in the gut.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Exhausted after fleeing the harsh realities of an increasingly boring life in front of the computer terminal, you will awake to find yourself transported to a colossal cave, where it will seem like you are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Despite your years of earnest effort to create a civilized and compassionate dialogue on the emotional languages of race, love, and desire, most of the universe will still insist on calling you “that one black gay weirdo.”

(Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You will be unable to shake a deep feeling of unutterable sadness as you roam the world with a scruffy band of misfits at the end of history, performing the occasional execution in your search for your lost mother/lover and a way to rekindle the dying sun

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Even if you do find their unique combination of style, universal competence, ennui, and raw ambition strangely exhilarating, you’d probably be a lot happier if you stopped keeping company with suicidal types, immortals, and suicidal immortal types.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You will be unable to shake the feeling that society at large would be improved by even more chunky, quasi-cubist levitating machinery of mystic origin, as well as the increased use of triple exclamation points by the general populace.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Prepare for major life changes this week, Bester. You will achieve great commercial success, vast literary acclaim, and a premature death while completing your magnum opus, The Bars My Destination: A Guide To All 24 Hours Of Orbital Nightlife.

…and then they ran out of ideas before getting to Aquarius and Pisces.

So who are the targets? My personal guesses:
Aries: not sure [ETA: Of course, it’s a riff on Clarke’s Law – thanks, !]
Taurus: Sherri S Tepper? Or Ursula Le Guin? I’ve read this book but can’t remember which it is…
Gemini: One of the great pulp authors – Hubbard? Van Vogt?
Cancer: Star Wars?
Leo: Philip K Dick? [ETA: says it’s the original computer adventure game, ADVENT, later seen as Colossal Cave Adventure.]
Virgo: Easy – Samuel R Delany.
Even easier – Gene Wolfe
Scorpio: Moorcock’s Dancers at the End of Time?
Sagittarius: I don’t know this one.
Capricorn: Alfred Bester.

One thought on “This week’s Onion…

  1. The Radcliffe and Maconie show is one of the best things on the radio. A couple of times recently they combined it with walking tours (Hadrian’s Wall, the Jurassic coast), with the show broadcast in the evening from a local hotel or suchlike, and often a live band and live studio audience. Fantastic for local colour.

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